American Housewife (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

Bigger Kids, Bigger Problems

Hey, Mom, look what I made you at school yesterday.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Give me a minute to figure out what it is and I'll tell you how much I love it.
It's a plastic-bag dryer.
It's so you can wash and reuse plastic baggies.
What prissy mom came up with that idea? Dad.
We had fun making them.
You know what else would be fun? If you stopped coming up with stuff that makes more work for me.
Katie, I'm head of the school's green committee.
It's important that we up our recycling game.
Am I still supposed to pretend recycling is real in front of Anna-Kat? She's 10, Greg.
- Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
- Hey.
I'm here to pick up Taylor for school.
Now that it's my second senior year, Taylor and I are in the same class.
Fingers crossed I don't end up with Anna-Kat.
I love your hair today, Mom.
Thanks, Taylor! Look at that.
She gave you a compliment and didn't ask for money.
I know.
We might finally be entering the mother-daughter friend phase.
We could go to Mardi Gras together.
But she's not gonna get more beads than me.
I have great news.
I got an interview at Teen Help Line.
What's Teen Help Line? Oh, it's this volunteer organization where teens call to talk to peers about their problems.
It's a great way to impress Harvard - now that I can't do ballet.
- Huh.
Don't you need empathy for that? I've gotten this far without it.
Plus, they give you a script, and if anyone starts to cry or something gross like that, I'll just pretend I got disconnected.
They'll be lucky to have you.
She wants me to wash out plastic bags.
What the hell for? I barely have time to wash my own damn self.
Marigold wants me to wash out those bags, too.
It's really caused a rift between me and the housekeeper.
She just thinks the rich lady has found another way to torture her.
Just give the woman her passport back.
The only kid not bugging me is Taylor.
She even complimented me for no reason this morning.
- Mm.
- Uh-oh.
What? No kid is nice for no reason, Katie.
She's clearly hiding something from you.
You think? Marigold told me I smelled nice the other day, so I flipped her upside down and shook five Pixie Stix out of her pockets.
A mother knows, Katie.
You're right.
I'm going to search Taylor's room.
Okay, you're going about this the wrong way.
You should be the kind of mom she'd want to come to.
The last thing you should be doing is snooping.
It's a complete breach of trust.
No, you're right.
It's the wrong thing to do.
Angela's wrong.
Snooping feels absolutely right.
It's a good thing her room is so messy.
We don't have to put anything back.
This is suspicious.
- What? - A book.
In Taylor's room.
- Oh, my.
- What "oh, my"? Well, it's a prescription for birth-control pills.
In her name.
I feel sick.
What are you doing? If there are drugs in here, I'm gonna find them, 'cause you could really use some right now.
What are you in the mood for today, Franklin? The mac-n-cheese looks good.
Well, I'm allergic to dairy, cheese, and pasta.
Is there any of that in there? Hey! The lunch lady's using disposable plates.
Excuse me Mac-n-cheese or fish sticks? Mac-n-cheese, please.
He'll have the fish sticks.
And also, why aren't you using washable plates? The plastic ones are just gonna end up in a landfill.
Tell somebody who gives a dink.
You can't talk that way.
There's a lady present.
What are you gonna do about it? Eat mac-n-cheese, break out in hives, and throw up all over your floor.
Knock yourself out.
Dad! Yeah.
The lunch lady won't use real plates.
She uses plastic ones and then just throws them away.
What? Not in my school.
I tried talking to her, but she won't listen.
This is a job for the recycling committee.
Bill Doty and I will take it from here.
Sounds like the lunch lady just needs to be educated.
Yeah, and if that doesn't work, we'll recycle her face! You get more like your mother every day.
Hi, Mom.
I like your shirt today.
Liar! You don't like anything about me! I found this.
Where did you get this?! You went in my room?! If we're talking about who's going in where, I think there's a bigger conversation to be had.
Okay, Mom, calm down.
We haven't done it yet.
But at some point, we will.
Right, Trip? I just came in for apple juice.
You promised me you were going to come to me first when you were thinking of having sex.
- I never was really gonna do that.
- Double liar! Well, you're a snoop! I don't trust you anymore! I don't know if I can trust you anymore! I'm smelling some tension.
Maybe Teen Help Line can offer some support.
I'm glad you called.
This is a safe place for you to express" Let me see that.
If you're ever wondering where my lack of empathy comes from Give me back my prescription that you stole from my room! Well, your room is in my house, so I get to do this.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'll just get Angela to take me to the doctor again.
What?! Angela took you?! I played laser tag last night.
You ever been? There was a 12-year-old who covered his target.
It's against the rules.
Get out.
Thank you.
I cannot believe you took my daughter to get birth control without asking me.
You have to understand.
When Taylor came to me and asked me to take her to the doctor, I was afraid that if I said no, she would start having unprotected sex, and I knew you wouldn't want that.
But I should have been the one to take her.
- I'm her mother.
- But would you have taken her? - No! I am her mother! - See? This is why Taylor didn't go to you, because you always shut her down.
But when Taylor came to you, you should have come to me.
She asked me not to.
She asked me not to go to school in my pajama bottoms! You don't have to listen to a teenager! Doris? You want to weigh in here? Yeah, Doris, weigh in.
Tell her I'm right.
I'll do what I always do, okay? I'll side with each of you behind the other's back.
That way, I stay the favorite.
I've got to get to court, where people argue and make sense.
This conversation is not over.
Angela, this conversation is not She can't hear me, but this conversation is not over.
Now, before we start the show, I'd like to introduce my friend and the sunshine on my compost pile, Mr.
Bill Doty! Let's get on with this.
- I on get a 48-minute lunch at Foot Locker.
- Hmm.
Did somebody hire the two worst strippers in Westport? 'Cause I didn't.
Well, we're gonna do a little show for you that will not only rock your world - But save it! - but save it! We're gonna lay some knowledge on you about recycling and have a little bit of fun along the way.
Join us now somewhere on an American coastline.
The beach is a perfect place to have my lunch.
Well, I don't need this plastic wrapper anymore.
Guess I'll throw it in the ocean.
What harm could it possibly do? I hope you enjoyed your lunch.
It cost me my life.
We promise to all dolphins, we'll make sure no one throws plastic in their home again.
Go on, go on.
And scene.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the touring company of "The Sound of Music" this sucks, and I'm outta here.
She doesn't seem moved.
Maybe she's in pain.
I mean, look at those feet.
She's wearing a size 9, and she's clearly a 9 1/2.
Sorry, it's hard to leave work at the office sometimes.
It looks like you could use someone to talk to.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Oh, great.
Uh, first, I'd have to ask you if you're thinking about harming yourself or others, because if so, I'd have to refer you to someone more qualified.
Very natural, Oliver.
Okay, Dad's home.
Everybody, dinner.
Can we just eat in front of the TV for once? No.
I want us all to eat at the table.
Family dinners are important so we can keep track of each other's lives.
Because family is where you should turn to first.
Or you could turn to a peer who's practicing for an interview next week and has a script that tells him what to say.
Or a mother.
A very cool, hip mother who's easy to talk to.
Who is she talking about? Herself.
But it's completely untrue.
I am a cool mother who is easy to talk to.
- Everybody knows that.
- Hang on.
Is this the result of something you told me to do - that I didn't handle? - No.
- That's all I need to know.
- But if you need to know more, you should go to Angela.
I knew that's what this was about! I'm going upstairs.
- Come on, Trip.
- No way.
You two are not allowed to be alone upstairs anymore.
What?! That's crazy! You are 17, and you're gonna do as I say! I'm 18! Yeah.
Well, I don't care how old you are! My house, my rules! Now sit down and eat! We are gonna have a damn family dinner, and that's the end of that! - Do you know what's going on? - I do but I'd rather talk about laser tag.
Well, we tried to reason with the lunch lady But that didn't work.
So, unfortunately, we have to use public shaming to get our point across.
Thank you, guys, for bagging up all the plastic waste from lunch.
I think my retainer's in one of these bags.
Not you guys again.
We wanted to show you how much waste you create every day by using disposable plates.
All of this from just one day? I was hoping it would be a lot more.
Ha-ha! Bite me, Nature.
Ha-ha-ha! I was hoping we wouldn't have to resort to this.
We're gonna have to call in the big guns.
"The Closer.
" "The Environmental Assassin.
" Code name Mr.
My retainer! That's not mine.
"Hey, Snoop, I moved out.
Since I'm not living under your roof anymore, I guess I don't have to follow your rules"? Oliver! Do you know where Taylor went? I do, but I don't think I should tell you because she came to me in confidence, and confidentiality is a bedrock principle at Teen Help Line.
Where is your sister? I feel like you're about to harm yourself or someone else - Where is she?! - Angela's.
She went to Angela's.
When you tell Taylor I folded, make it sound like I put up a good fight.
First Taylor went behind my back to get birth control, and now she moves in with Angela.
I don't understand why you didn't tell me about this.
Because I thought I could handle it.
Usually when I yell at Taylor, she backs down.
She didn't back down, Greg, and I don't have any other parenting tools.
That's not true, honey.
You have public embarrassment, sarcasm, and that thing where you sit on them until they tell the truth.
I thought it was supposed to get easier as the kids got older.
Me, too, but now it's just - bigger kids, bigger problems.
- Yeah.
It used to be choosing the right night light, and now I have a 17-year-old daughter getting birth control behind my back.
Once again, she's 18.
We should have thrown her a better party.
Listen, we're in uncharted territory here.
We're parenting an adult.
We need to adjust.
I don't know how to do that.
I think the best thing to do is wait.
Let her come to us.
Screw this! Let's go get her.
You drive.
I had half a glass of port earlier.
My baby girl.
I had no idea she was coming over.
I told her she couldn't stay, and I brought her right back.
This whole thing has gone too far.
The two of you need to work it out.
Thank you.
But I am still not talking to you.
Still not talking to you.
Please tell me you're still pure.
Oh, my God, Dad! I'm glad you're back.
I'm not talking to you, either! I'm not sure what's happening between you and Taylor, but I want you guys to work this out.
Reading all this stuff about Teen Help Line makes me realize how many kids don't have families to turn to.
We're so lucky to have each other.
- Oliver, are you okay? - I don't know.
What's happening? T-There's this tight feeling in my chest.
Honey I think you're actually feeling empathy.
That's what that was.
Whew! Anyway, if she moves out again, I'm taking her room.
Do you think this will work? Hey, if anyone's a match for the lunch lady, - it's Mr.
- Mm.
Hello, boys.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Well, you've done quite a good job here with your little posters and everything.
- Thank you.
- Uh, but why don't you sit back and let a professional take over? We're so grateful you're here.
We've tried everything.
She just won't budge.
Stand back.
This could get ugly.
If you're talking about your suit, you're right.
You're going down, lunch lady.
Bring it, Eco-nerd.
I took the liberty of going through your trash last night, and I found some stuff, all right.
Enough to charge you with murder.
Of a little lady called Mother Earth! - Oh, that's good.
- That's here.
Yeah, that's right.
You got nothing on me, recycopath.
Exhibit A you throw away batteries.
Do you know what could happen to you for doing this? - Nothing? - Well, yeah for now.
But when this becomes a law, you are in mild amounts of trouble, lady.
- Got anything else? - Back to your trash.
By the way, the hair-removal industry thanks you for your continued support.
Exhibit B you put cans in the leaf bin.
How do you live with yourself? Quite well.
And on Saturdays and Sundays, butt naked and drunk all day.
Exhibit D Wait, didn't he skip exhibit C? Oh, for God's sake, Greg, let the man work.
All right.
You put your magazines in with the regular trash.
Hey, wait a minute.
- You subscribe to "Cats Weekly"? - Yeah.
I have two cats.
And if you got a problem with that, - you can walk right out - No, no, no, no.
I'm a I'm a cat guy.
I love cats.
What kinda What kinda cats you got? Calicos.
Got to be a strong person to have a Calico.
You have to act like you don't need 'em.
That's the key.
Yeah, but you so do.
Oh, yes.
More than air.
What's happening? You have the most beautiful eyes.
You should see 'em when I have my blue eye-shadow on.
Hey, uh can I take you to lunch? Well, actually, I'm a lunch lady, so that's pretty much the only meal I'm not available for.
But I am free for dinner.
So am I! I-I-I was gonna make a big deal out of checking my calendar, but, uh, I'm a man who likes cats, so we both know I'm free.
Wait, are you done? Is she gonna recycle now? Who cares, man?! We both love cats! The same breed of cats! He's looking at her the same way the FedEx guy looks at my mom.
Okay, we need to step in here.
Excuse me, lunch lady.
You know why my mom doesn't like to recycle? It's because it's annoying.
She says that washing the dishes takes too much time.
Is that what you think? I'm tired of staying here late at night doing it, and the school can't afford to hire a dishwasher.
How about this if you stop using plastic, I'll find someone to help you.
It's a deal.
- We did it, buddy.
- No.
- No, Mother Earth did it.
- Hmm.
I think it's pretty clear that I did it.
Oh, well Oh, my God, I am so late.
I gotta get back to Foot Locker.
Robbie's gonna be furious.
- Can I talk to you? - Nope.
I wasn't really asking.
I'm doing it anyway.
I know that you are older and doing older things.
I'll just push down all the feelings I have about it and take them out on your brother and sister.
It felt weird not telling you about it, but then it felt weird telling you about it.
Eh I just didn't know what to do.
I know.
I'm trying to figure it out, too.
I'm so used to trying to catch you before you fall but you're 18 now.
Good God, you're 18.
How did that happen? Is it okay if I call Trip and tell him to come over? Of course.
Can I speak to him for a second so I can apologize? You're so great, Mom.
Hi, Mrs.
If you ever so much as touch my daughter without clothes on, I will hang you with your own [bleep.]
Copy that, Mrs.
And I shouldn't have gotten mad at you.
You were just trying to help.
I'm really sorry.
Me, too.
But this spoke to me in a personal way.
When I was in high school, I had to keep it a secret that I was gay and I always wished I had someone to go to.
I would have been that person for you.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I would've, too.
I would have told everybody, and then I would have made up a very funny, but offensive nickname.
It was a different time! - I miss it.
- Ugh.
I have a little bell I want you to make me wear.
You're wicked.
I'm about to recycle my breakfast.
I just wish Bill Doty was here to share in our Eco-victory.
But he has his career.
Is this job a hobby to you? No, sir.
Think you're so special, you can take a 50-minute lunch? It won't happen again.
Think this is fun for me, riding you like this? All right, I got a geometry final tomorrow, all right? I don't need this, Bill.
Now get back in there and push the New Balance.
I could help you study for your final.
I have a master's degree in Why don't you sell the damn shoes, Bill?!