American Housewife (2016) s04e04 Episode Script


1 [Sizzling.]
Mom, you made another lasagna? I'm just staying busy.
Oh, because you've been unemployed for three months and the kids are gone all day at school, so you're feeling purposeless? Where the hell are you getting that? Ladies' Home Journal.
I was killing time waiting for my dentist appointment.
Ooh, also, I learned how to make a "she shed.
" We need to do something about my clothes.
See? I have a purpose.
What do you need, honey? Now that I'm out of special ed, I have to start dressing like someone who doesn't have her mittens sewn into her jacket.
Mommy stands ready to help.
Actually, I don't need your help.
In fact, you're part of the problem.
Every piece of clothing I own has fruit on it.
This skirt is covered in bananas.
Tell me what were you thinking? Well, maybe she was just Don't defend her.
I want Taylor to take me.
Taylor, take Anna-Kat shopping tomorrow.
I've got things going on! Unlike you, I have a life.
Learning to take responsibility is also on your list of things you need to accomplish before you go to college.
Come on, there's so many other ways I could take responsibility.
Such as? I was hoping there wasn't gonna be a follow-up.
I mean, what if she only wants to dress like Eleven from "Stranger Things"? And not cute, season 3 Eleven.
Dirty pink dress, season 1 Eleven.
Just use your best judgment.
Best judgment? Do I have that? - GREG: Katie? - In the kitchen! - What?! - I thought we discussed we weren't gonna have conversations in different rooms! - What?! - I'm coming! This is 90% of marriage.
What's the other 10%? Wondering what life would be like if we didn't have pets.
Despite the nonstop tenement-style hollering in this house, I finished my Teen Help Line application.
That's great, honey! Next step, rock this interview.
I think you could really benefit by helping those in need.
I know I can benefit.
This is exactly the sappy, humanitarian garbage Harvard is looking for.
GREG: Katie! I'm gonna go drop this off at the Teen Help Line offices now.
- Good luck.
- You too.
With what? [Scoffs.]
The fact that you don't know makes me even sadder.
What?! Why are you calling me? Is there another moth? Crazy news.
I just got off the phone with Stan.
He and Chloe are back together.
How is that possible? Stan left Chloe and married that woman half his age.
Chloe hates him.
" On his honeymoon, Stan had a stroke.
Oh, my God! He's okay, but his new wife annulled the marriage and left him.
I was thinking of inviting some of the guys from the Historical Guild over to welcome him home.
Do you know what that means? Now that Stan is back in your life, Chloe is back in mine.
- Honey, if you would just - If I would just what? Let's end it here.
I don't feel safe.
01x04 - Lasagna Original air date October 18, 2019 There are a lot of jobs out there for women your age.
The dean's wife started selling this organic makeup line.
She has this cool trunk, and she takes it to her friends' houses, and they drink wine and put their faces on together.
How stupid is that? I have every faith you're gonna find something that's perfect for you.
Thank you.
So, what's the plan for tonight? Oh, glad you asked.
When a wounded soldier returns home, we celebrate him with a meal and a song.
- Come join - Heard enough.
[Door opens, closes.]
Hey, Oliver.
Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay.
When I dropped off my Teen Help Line application, I talked with all these other kids who are a lock to get accepted.
One was an orphan, one was a refugee, one had just come from donating a kidney to a complete stranger.
Just to screw with your life.
I know! There's no way I'm getting in.
I haven't suffered enough.
I mean [Scoffs.]
I suffer but this isn't the kind of suffering that impresses professional do-gooders.
I don't have an angle.
I wouldn't worry about it.
If you don't get into this program, you'll find something else that'll make you stand out.
Dad, Teen Help Line is incredibly prestigious.
If I don't get in, I can kiss Harvard goodbye.
Can we do 23andMe? Find out I'm Inuit? Navajo? I won't do genetic testing.
I don't want the relatives I have now.
Why would I go digging up more? [Patriotic music plays.]
GREG: Be always at war with your vices and at peace with your neighbors.
TOGETHER: Hear! Hear! We're here.
Hey, Stan! BOTH: Look who's back! Jinx! You owe me a mead! [Both laugh.]
Good to see you, buddy.
Come on in.
- Katie.
- Chloe.
I have to say, I was surprised to hear that you took Stan back.
It was very big of you.
Listen, just because last year, we had one fleeting moment of not hating each other doesn't mean we're throwing on the jammies and braiding each other's hair.
I mean, with our wildly different sizes, we could make a great comedy duo, but friends? Get real.
So relieved.
Hating you is the greatest joy of my life.
- Besides my kids.
- Yeah.
Actually, it goes Anna-Kat, Taylor, hating you, Oliver.
But I'm telling you, waterfall ice climbing has nothing on para-hawking.
The rush you get flying next to raptors ooh, it is quite exhilarating.
Let me tell you, sir.
Is it? But, of course, now I'm on my greatest adventure of all being back with my darling Chloe.
- Ohh.
- Mm.
That's enough.
Game night, huh, gentlemen? Yeah, we're playing Truth or Dare, George Washington-style all truths.
Well, you better watch this guy, 'cause he loves to cheat! - [Laughter.]
- One truth for Chloe! No more ale for you, Ross! KATIE: Here it is, boys.
The lasagna Paul Revere served at the Battle of You Guys Are Nerds.
Lasagna? Mm.
Not surprised.
It's the sweatpants of food.
And you are the adult underpants of people.
Ooh, good one.
Hey, I heard you were fired.
Not everybody can run a company and manage a family, like I do.
I wasn't fired.
I quit.
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Neither of which I eat obviously.
You know, the sad thing for you is, you're too poor to even enjoy all the free time you have now.
I mean, what on Earth are you doing with yourself? I am exploring many, many avenues.
That's code for "I have nothing.
" No purpose, no options, no water feature in your yard.
You don't know anything.
KATIE: She knows everything! I have no plan, no purpose, and no koi pond.
Quick, change the subject.
The "Cats" movie looks insane, right? I know, but, like, kind of sexy.
Huh? I mean, maybe it's just me, but rrrr! Ew! Gross! It is just you.
Nice job, Katie! You're back on top.
Even Chloe Brown Mueller figured it out.
I'm turning 40 soon.
I'm adrift.
I have no direction in life.
You're a mom.
It's not like you do nothing.
I'm a mom.
I do nothing.
I can't use my kids as an excuse anymore.
Anna-Kat wants Taylor to help her with everything, and Oliver is ironing his own shirts because I don't go slowly enough around the buttons.
- [Chuckles.]
- They're putting me out of a job! You just have to find something that's right for you.
Or, hear me out, you could put this whole problem behind you for nine more years by having another baby.
Oh, I needed that.
Greg suggests that I start selling that organic makeup that comes in the big trunk.
- You are never doing that.
- Yeah, never.
Isn't Suzanne Sutton a career counselor now? You should go talk to her.
Oh! Is Suzanne your type? Knock it off, Doris.
What is going on with you two? Well, apparently, I don't "do it" for Angela.
I didn't say that.
I said I think you're attractive.
I'm just not attracted to you.
I think you are.
If you weren't, you wouldn't be so defensive about it.
Look at this.
I got all dirty.
Ahh! Hey, Katie.
I heard I could find you here.
Doris, Angela, you know Stan.
Hey, Stan.
Hey, buddy.
Gotta go.
You know, ever since the stroke, people react in one of two ways they either run away or they just stare.
Like this.
I thought I was a better person.
Katie, may I speak to you in private for one moment? Of course.
Now, I hope I'm not imposing, but I was wondering if you had any of that wonderful lasagna left over from last night.
I'll bring it by your house.
No, no, no.
I'll come to you.
Chloe cannot find out about this.
If there's two things she hates more than me right now, it's you and carbs.
Thank you, Stan.
I know she hates me, but it's really nice to hear sometimes.
I mean, she really hates you.
I know.
We got fruit-free clothes, a backpack, a new dangly thing hanging off your backpack.
If you were in my fifth-grade class, I'd let you sit next to me.
There's something else I need.
Mom would never sign off on that.
Mom put you in charge.
This is your chance to think on your own.
Am I old enough to get my ears pierced? Yes.
- Yes, you are.
- [Chuckles.]
It wasn't me.
My greatest achievement is raising three fantastic kids.
Also, in college, my alcohol tolerance was very high.
It's not anymore, but it used to be.
Type that in.
And why did you leave your last job? My boss was a [bleep.]
and my clients were also [bleep.]
[Chuckles nervously.]
That word's not in the drop-down menu, so we'll just click "creative differences.
" Wait.
What if it hurts? What if they accidentally give me those ear disks, like the guy at the supermarket? Some days, he forgets to put them in, and they're just big, floppy holes.
If you're really scared, you don't have to do it.
But all the other girls in my new class have their ears pierced.
Well, what if I go first and show you it's not a big deal? You'd do that for me? Of course.
I owe you.
You stopped me from trying to pet that angry dog.
Whatever his name was, he was mean.
[Computer chimes.]
Well, the results are in.
So, as far as a career goes, you would make an excellent long-haul truck driver! Aah! Congratulations! Truck driver? Well, the algorithm determined that you shouldn't manage people or be managed by people or interact with the public in any way.
So, what do we do now? Um, it says here I'm supposed to call the police.
Good news.
I figured out what can set me apart for the interview tomorrow.
I'm glad someone has their life figured out, because I have never felt more lost.
I just came from a career counselor Let me just head this off.
Parents don't come to their kids with problems.
We don't see you as real people.
Who needs a job when being a mother is so rewarding? Uh-huh.
Back to me.
It would help with my interview if I came from a troubled home.
Do you mind if I put you under a 72-hour psychiatric hold? Yes, I mind! Oliver, you don't need all these tricks.
You are a smart, driven kid, and I have no doubt that you're going to get in on your own merits.
Okay, Greg.
Taylor, I just want to say, you're my hero.
Thank you! I mean, when Mom sees that you let me get my ears pierced against her wishes, she's gonna go crazy and add another 500 things to that list of yours.
You think? [Chuckles.]
But you don't care.
- I don't? - No.
And she's gonna ground you forever.
But I have that party I'm going to with Trip on Saturday.
Not anymore.
Okay, new plan we're going to hide your ears.
For how long? Until I go to college.
That could easily be never! [Doorbell rings.]
- [Chuckling.]
Hey! - Here you go.
Thank you so much.
And again, please don't tell Chloe about this.
Also, could you ask Greg to get me a clean cup of urine? [Whispering.]
She tests my sugar levels.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Most people would be annoyed, but feeding Stan is actually giving my life a purpose because it combines two of my favorite things cooking Who's the best? You are! and messing with Chloe behind her back.
Oh, I feel a swagger walk coming on.
[Car door closes.]
I thought you were supposed to get a cool-kid makeover.
What's with the dumb hat? The lady who bought the banana skirt should really stay out of these conversations.
Hey, you.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hopefully one day, I'll be able to eat this when I'm not cowering in the garage next to the water heater.
[Line ringing.]
Stan! Why aren't you picking up?! Ugh! [Gasps.]
Maria! He's going over to Katie's again.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Maybe Stan is just hanging out with Greg.
Greg works, Maria.
Unlike you.
But I am working.
Working to make me angry! Now move! Look at you, nibbling on those crackers like a little rat.
I'm surprised at how clean you keep this car.
Thank you.
It's like you have pride in it or something.
Twice in a day, Maria? I haven't done it twice in a day with him since Fathers' Day fell on his birthday.
Oh, God.
I will not be disrespected like this.
Two can play at this game.
- They're both gonna be sorry! - [Gasps.]
God, look at you.
Maria, you're a mess! Come on, now.
Also, you need a bra with more support.
I think we need an HR department.
I think you need a boob job.
[Bells jingle.]
Hello, Greg.
I came as soon as I got your message.
Where's Stan? What about Stan? Well, you said he tripped and hit his head.
I made that up.
I don't care about Stan.
I care about you.
The store is closed but I'm wide open.
Uh Chloe, what are y-you doing? Hush, child.
Don't fight it.
- Fight what? - Oh, it's okay.
I see the way you look at me.
It's probably because my left eye is extra round, so I have some problems with depth perception.
Tell me more about your physical defects.
- Chloe, stop.
- Oh! Turn the camera off, Maria! - [Camera beeps.]
- That's a cut.
What's this all about? Revenge, ya big lug.
Stan and Katie are doing it.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, really? Maria, show him.
He's on his way over there right now.
There's nothing going on.
- Katie's just feeding him lasagna.
- What?! - He's going over there to eat lasagna?! - Yeah.
Oh, I'll give him lasagna.
Dirt, coffin floor, Stan, coffin lid, dirt, neglected grave! O kay.
And after my meeting with Suzanne, I realized it's true - I don't work well with others.
- Mm.
I don't know what to do.
Katie, I'd be more than happy to set up a consultation for you with my guru in Nepal.
Sounds like a lot of hiking, to be honest.
- Chloe.
- [Door slams.]
You're eating the lasagna of my sworn enemy?! How could you? He's starving.
How'd you know I was here? I was tracking you on my phone, dummy! I thought you were cheating on me again.
Sweetheart, you have every reason not to trust me.
I messed up.
But I promise I will never betray you again.
Really? The one good thing to come out of all this is it helped me realize how much happier I am with you in my life.
Ohh! But, honey, I really need more than 500 calories a day.
I'll bump you up to 800 calories a day.
But no carbs.
- Ugh.
- Really? - Yes.
- I love you.
I love you, too.
This one loves me, too.
She just won't admit it.
The other Katies are talking.
Let's get out of here.
Okay, so, you're not up for the psychiatric ward.
- [Door opens.]
- But how would you feel about admitting to being the Zodiac Killer? - [Door closes.]
- No, Oliver! The dates don't even line up.
No one's doing the math! [Stomping.]
What is wrong with him? He's got a big interview later, but he thinks he's not going to get in because he hasn't had any discrimination or adversity to overcome.
Well, what about all of this? [Laughs.]
He already made that same joke.
That selfish dope really needs to get some perspective.
He doesn't know it, but this program could be the best thing for him.
He just needs to stand out a little.
Why are you looking at us like that? Oh.
She's picking up on our sexual tension.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Okay, Dor.
I You know what? Great.
Thank you so much.
I'm Oliver Otto.
I just wanted to say I'm so excited by the prospect of being part of such an important organization.
I'm Oliver's Mom.
- Hello! - Oliver! Oh.
Well, one of my moms.
- Hi! - Oh! Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too! - Hi.
- Hey.
What? No kiss for your wife? Oliver, tell your mother to kiss me.
[Clears throat, chuckles nervously.]
See? Pretty great, right? Not really.
I'm out of here.
Angela, you know I can't quit you! It's from "Brokeback Mountain" 'cause we're gay.
Hey!! You are a terrible wife! I come from a troubled, biracial, lesbian home.
But I've developed emotional tools to help me deal with it.
It was fun cooking for Stan.
Took my mind off the fact that I can't find something to do with my life.
Oh, honey, you can Moth! I got it.
I got it! Get it! [Doorbell rings.]
- Oh, hey, Trip.
- Hey, Mr.
I'm here to pick up Taylor for the party.
Taylor, Trip's here! Daisy earrings? What is the occasion? Oh, I got my ears pierced with Anna-Kat to show her it was no big deal.
I'm gonna let the holes close up, but I just wanted to feel pretty for a little while.
What did you do? [Sighs.]
Taylor! What the hell?! It's not a big deal! It is a big deal! Your job was to get her new clothes, not poke holes in her head! Trip, Taylor is not going anywhere tonight.
Wait a second.
You said to use my best judgment, and that's exactly what I did.
Remember when you wouldn't let me dye my hair blond but I did it anyway? Guess what not only did I fit in better, but it made me way more confident.
It's not the same! It's almost exactly the same! Now Anna-Kat has something in common with all the girls in her new class! Plus, I'm not afraid of needles anymore, so you don't have to strap me down at the doctor.
Do you like my earrings? They're ladybugs.
They're really pretty, Anna-Kat.
It might not have been what I would have done, but you used your best judgment.
You can cross it off your list.
So, I can go to the party? Have fun.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, Trip, before you go, you want to go upstairs and play "Who wore it best" with these ladybug earrings? - Oh, yeah.
You're goin' down.
- [Chuckles.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey, Katie.
We had a great time the other night.
Just ask her.
Be cool! Um, Stan said you might have some leftover lasagna? I've honestly never tasted anything so good.
It was like being back in my grandmother's kitchen, except you're not ranting about how you miss Mussolini.
You guys! I'm flattered.
Unfortunately, I'm all out.
Stan had the last of it today.
We'll pay you to make another one.
- GREG: How much? - 30 bucks? - 50.
- Deal.
Come back in three hours.
What do you want to do? Donuts in my ex-wife's cul-de-sac? - Fun.
- Yeah.
Hang on.
- Am I about to get paid for my lasagna? - It looks like it.
Is this a crazy idea? Could I make this a home business? You absolutely could.
You love cooking.
I'd be my own boss.
I could make my own hours.
I wouldn't have to manage or be managed by others.
You could wear pajamas at work.
That's always been my dream.
[Both laugh.]
Well, hey.
How'd it go today? - I got accepted.
- [Both gasp.]
- That's great! - That's amazing, honey! - Who knew two diverse - Ah, ch-ch-ch! - bickering lesbian moms - Ch-ch-ch! was my ticket in? Katie, what did you do? [Smacks lips.]
I did something wrong for the right reasons.
Well, I guess that's an improvement.
Usually, you do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons.
- I'm growing.
- Mm.