American Housewife (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

The Maze

1 [Halloween music playing.]
Can we get some new Halloween decorations? This spider only has two legs.
[Thud.]
One.
One leg.
I'm not spending any more money on Halloween decorations.
Get over it.
Hey, what are you doing for Halloween? You have to chill.
I'm 18.
The days of me running every detail by you are over! I'm going out with Trip.
I'll be home by curfew! You're suffocating me! God! Wow.
She is a real delight.
- Yeah.
- [Door slams.]
I miss the old days when just Oliver sucked.
When is raising children supposed to get easy? Never.
All those people who said kids are tough, but one day it'll all be worth it they lied to us, Greg.
They lied to us.
Hey, my carving knives are getting smushed.
Why do you have carving knives? 'Cause these oak-handled beauties were a steal on Prime Day.
And with the carving competition at the Halloween Carnival, I finally have an excuse to use them.
You want to join? We can enter as a team.
[Gasps.]
You're telling me I can team up with my father and join a public pumpkin carving contest? - Where do I sign up? - Online or in person I fall for it every time.
[Scoffs.]
Besides, Brie said she wants to go through the zombie maze with me.
- But you're - A coward? A wuss? A diaper-wearing chicken baby? Yeah.
All those things.
True.
But when your girlfriend says she wants to go through a terrifying maze, you stop yourself from saying, "Please, no! Don't make me!" and say, "[Chuckles.]
Sounds fun, babe.
" Mom, can we do the maze together? Of course.
No.
Anna-Kat's way too young to do that maze.
Please, I can handle scary stuff.
Mom and I have been watching "The Shining" since I was 4.
- 4?! - Anna-Kat! [Smacks lips.]
Looks like I got the conversation going, so I'm gonna grab a juice box and scoot.
[Sighs.]
Are you really trying to deprive me of time with the one kid who still likes us? - No, but - Anna-Kat's still in that sweet spot.
She holds my hand.
Yeah, Oliver used to hold my hand.
Until the first day of fourth grade, when he slipped me a buck and told me my services - were no longer needed.
- [Sighs.]
Before we know it, Anna-Kat is going to be avoiding us like the other two.
This may be my only shot to do the maze with her.
No way.
She's gonna have nightmares for a month.
Just because you and Oliver are scared little girls doesn't mean she is.
That is exactly the kind of sexist bully language they warned us about in that e-mail from school.
Blah, blah, blah, delete.
Anna-Kat is not going through that maze.
Conversation over.
[Sighs.]
Lost that one, Luthor.
He has been sensitive about the "blah, blah, blahs" since I put them in our wedding vows.
To be fair, it got a big laugh.
[Luthor barks.]
Yeah.
04x05 - The Maze Original air date October 25, 2019 Greg doesn't think Anna-Kat can handle it.
But scary stuff is kind of our thing.
Horror movies, the Titanic, the Donner Party where they had to eat each other.
That's just fun, feel-good mother-daughter stuff.
Greg is just taking his own fears - and putting them on Anna-Kat.
- Exactly.
- You know what you should do - Go behind his back! Angela, you always tell me to be honest with my feelings and to listen to the people I love.
You know, crap like that.
Yeah, well, you never take my advice.
I just need a win.
I lost a big case yesterday.
Thanks for asking.
Take Anna-Kat to the maze.
She'll have a great time, and you'll have ammunition for all future parental judgment calls.
Yeah, I didn't get a good judgment for my client, that's for sure.
Doris, I like that.
Hey, did they change the silverware here? 'Cause this knife feels heavier than usual.
I wish one of you bitches would ask me about my court case.
I'm loving your Amelia Earhart costume.
She clearly died a horrible death, so it's good.
Oh, hey, there's Taylor and Trip.
You guys look great! We go costume party.
[Chuckles.]
Literally no difference between Trip and The Hulk.
A costume party sounds fun.
Would you stop with all the questions?! That wasn't even a question.
- That was a question! - No, it wasn't! Ugh.
We've got a bigger problem here than her just pushing you away.
She's a senior and still doesn't know what a question is.
You guys drive safe! People act crazy on Halloween! Taylor, make sure your phone's charged! - So you can track me?! - I know you're done with me, but I'm still your mother! [Sighs.]
Here comes Brie.
Don't talk.
And hide your purse.
This is a carving kit.
I put a strap on it so you can just throw it on and go.
Greg, just hide your purse.
Hey, how are you guys? Oh, they're great.
Now let's go find our friends and hit the maze.
Bye, Brie.
Stop.
So, who wants to watch me dominate the carving competition? While you get set up, I'm taking Anna-Kat to get her face painted.
Oh.
I'm gonna have them paint my face blue.
I'm going as waterlogged Amelia Earhart.
[Chuckles.]
Adorable.
Be back soon.
Okay.
[People screaming.]
Isn't face painting the other way? It is.
But we're not doing that.
We're doing the zombie maze! Really?! But I thought Dad said no.
Your dad has a purse full of knives right now.
We can't trust his judgment.
Let's do it.
Two, please.
You'll just need to sign this waiver.
- It absolves any type of - Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We just need her mom's signature.
I'm her mom.
Oh.
See, I thought you were her sister.
Oh, you.
[Laughs.]
You did not.
[Growling.]
How do you do, sir? Boy, that juice cleanse is really working for ya, huh? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
See? - The post-apocalypse isn't so bad.
- Oh, yeah.
- I think the - [Hisses.]
[Both scream.]
Isn't this fun? They're just performers, just like we see in the mo - [Chainsaw revs.]
- [Scream.]
Mom, Dad was right! I'm too young for this! But you've been watching "The Shining" since you were 4.
Watching it, not living it! - [Roars.]
- [Both scream.]
Ohh.
Get me out of here.
Okay, just stay calm.
Remember it's all make believe.
- [Hissing.]
- [Scream.]
Stop it! She is just a child! A child with a bad mother! - [Growls.]
- No! No! [Groans.]
Hulk have tummy ache.
Because Hulk ate too many gummy worms.
[Groans.]
We'll just skip the party and watch some scary movies at your place.
But first I'm gonna get you some ginger ale.
Mm.
Hulk thankful.
You don't have to keep talking like that.
Trip sorry.
GREG: Ah, Principal Ablin.
I didn't know you were a fellow carver.
Are those oak handles? - Sure are.
- Cute.
A little first-time carver and his Prime Day special.
Whoa.
These are mahogany handles.
These were passed down to me by my great, great grandpappy Principal Seamus O'Ablin.
You made that up.
Prove it.
You might as well give up now.
I've placed top two in this competition for the last five years.
You mean you've lost for the last five years.
To me.
Maria.
Principal Ablin.
Surprised to see me? I Ubered after finding all four of my tires flat.
[Gasps.]
Did you see who did it? - No.
- [Sighs.]
Don't worry, though.
I have a dash cam on my car.
Why on Earth would I be worried? Did I mention my twin brother moved to town? [Scoffs.]
Men and their tools.
[Lid creaks, closes.]
All I need is a potato peeler, an eyelash curler, and one long pinky nail.
[Gasps.]
This is different than I thought it would be.
That doesn't even scare me.
- Why would it? - Exactly.
Can I get two tickets for this silly thing? Sure.
Just need you guys to sign the waivers.
Yeah, and what exactly is in it? Oh, it's just stating that there could be unwelcome physical contact, claustrophobic spaces, and demanding psychological elements inside the maze.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Good, good.
I just wanted to make sure if all of that was in the maze.
Just sign it.
[Sighs.]
I want to so badly.
But I really think it would mean the world to my dad if I hung out with him during the pumpkin carving.
But you should still go with everyone else, though.
You have such a good heart.
Why? Do you feel it beating fast? I normally have a very fast-beating heart.
From sports.
[Breathing shakily.]
We're gonna die! Keep moving, and then we'll be done.
It's all going to be okay.
It's not gonna be okay! - [Roar.]
- [Both scream.]
Hey! We get it! You jump out at people! Now go! - [Roar.]
- [Both scream.]
Listen.
You get one time, then you're done! Those are the rules! [Thunder rumbles.]
ANNA-KAT: [Breathing heavily.]
- [Growling.]
- [Gasps.]
Stop it! Stop following us! [Cellphone clatters.]
Ugh! I got to get my phone.
Only forward, never back.
It'll only take two seconds.
[Roar.]
[Both scream.]
[Thunder rumbling.]
We can just wait here until it closes and the lights come on.
No, they'll find us.
[Gasps.]
I have an idea.
Excuse me.
Is there any way, you being an undead woman of faith, that you could escort my daughter and I to safety? [Thunder rumbles.]
[Bell tolling.]
[Growling.]
What are you doing, sister? You're summoning them! [Tolling continues.]
What kind of world is it where you can't trust a zombie nun? Mom, look! It's an opening! KATIE: Anna-Kat, see if you can fit.
[Growling continues.]
I'm out! Now it's your turn.
[Chuckles.]
You're the cutest.
Okay, I'm gonna go find my phone and meet you at the exit.
No, you can't go back in there alone! I'm going to go get Dad.
I'll be fine! Under no circumstances should you get your father.
- [Growls.]
- [Screams.]
Daddy! Tell him you had the best time ever! [Screams.]
Stop it! [Tires screech.]
[Horn blares.]
Yeah, I cut you off.
My boyfriend needs ginger ale.
Get over it.
[Car honks.]
MAN: Carvers, 25 minutes left.
- Principal Ablin, you're bleeding.
- I don't care.
Shoot.
My nail broke.
- Ha! - Luckily - I'm a lefty.
- [Sighs.]
So, so different.
Hey, shouldn't you be in the maze with Brie? I chickened out.
They asked me to sign something, and I ran away like a coward.
Oliver, you just have survival instincts.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
We Ottos wear our cowardice with pride.
Your great grandfather faked a limp through his physical and dodged the war.
Every man in his town was killed at Normandy, and he wound up marrying his best friend's fiancée.
If not for his cowardice, you wouldn't be standing here today.
Thanks, Dad.
Dad! You have to go save Mom! - Save her from what? - The maze! We went in, and now she's stuck inside! You guys have to go get her! You went into the maze? I said, "Conversation over"! I can't decide if it's cute or sad that you think Mom still listens to you.
Oh, my God.
That maze was so scary.
Too bad you missed it.
Well, Oliver and my dad are about to go in to save my mom.
Oh, I'd love to, but if Dad goes, I'd have to look after you.
You can go.
I'm happy to hang here with Anna-Kat.
Oh, thanks.
So much.
You guys have to go! Now! Looks like we're going into the maze.
Are you ready for this? I know it's Mom's fantasy, but let's steal it.
You and me, Mexico, never look back.
[Car horn honking.]
[Horn blares.]
TRIP: Hello? Trip! I-I cut this car off, and now he won't stop following me.
Just drive back here.
I'm on the other side of town.
W-What if when I stop at a red light, they get out of their car or something?! Okay, stay calm.
Do you know anyone who lives nearby? - Doris! Her house is close! - Go there.
I'll stay on the phone with you until you're [Call ends.]
No, no, no, no, no! I should've charged my phone! [Horn honking.]
Where is my phone? [Roar.]
[Screams.]
I'm not doing this anymore! You're not supposed to touch us! The waiver absolves me of all responsibility! That's not how it works, man! - It is now! - Okay.
[Growling.]
[Shrieks.]
Nothing happened.
The anticipation is the worst part.
Okay.
[Low groaning.]
[Creaking.]
- [Roar.]
- [Both scream.]
Oliver, you're holding my hand.
Aww - [Chainsaw revs.]
- [Both scream.]
[Horn honking.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Doris! Anyone! Help! It's been quiet for too long.
I know someone's gonna pop out.
We're fine.
Why are you hiding behind me? I'm not.
I'm protecting you.
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Gasps.]
Crawling zombies! Keep moving.
It's going straight to voicemail.
Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Katie! [Screams.]
Doris, open up! I led a maniac to your house! I mean open up, I just want to say hi! [Screams.]
Use your blinker! Doris? You scared the hell out of me! You cut me off, so I decided to teach you a lesson.
What were you thinking driving like that on Halloween? Don't you know the crazies are out in full force tonight? That's what my mom told me.
Well, call her this second and tell her she was right.
I can't.
My phone's dead.
You went out on Halloween without your phone charged?! She warned me about that, too.
[Groans.]
You're 18, and you think you know everything.
But you know nothing! Now go home and be thankful that you cut off a nice person and not some psychopath! What are you doing? My kids are coming home from trick-or-treating.
I'm gonna scare the innocence out of them! Oh! Found it! [Gasps.]
Thank you.
- Katie - Before you say anything I admit that I was wrong.
So we don't have to talk about it anymore.
Can we do this on the move, people? You don't get to call the shots here.
You already did that when you dragged our daughter into this hellscape.
Fine.
I'm sorry for bringing Anna-Kat into the maze.
- [Growls.]
- [Both scream.]
- And? - And for going behind your back.
- [Growls.]
- [Both scream.]
And? Greg, remember when Anna-Kat was a baby and crying all night? And the other two were so clingy and we were completely exhausted? - Yeah.
- And all we wanted back then was for the kids to grow up and give us some space? And now they want nothing to do with us.
Except Anna-Kat.
I just wanted to do something fun with her before she gives me the Heisman.
- Pushes me away.
- Oh.
[Snarls.]
[Gasps.]
I have teen daughters, too.
I only volunteered to do this in case they came through with their friends.
I could get to see them.
Don't give up.
[Yells.]
[Both scream.]
We trusted you! But there is some small silver lining to all of this.
When Oliver and I were walking through, he got scared and held my hand.
- Shut up! - [Chuckles.]
- You're so lucky.
- I know.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
We're almost there.
All right, let's get the hell out of here.
Oliver, I'm proud of us.
We made it through with our dignity.
- Die! - [Scream.]
[Screaming.]
[Gasps.]
You made it! I did.
Honey, I made a huge mistake.
I should have never brought you in that maze.
It's okay, Mom.
My nightmares were getting kind of boring, anyway.
- Do you want to do the maze with me? - Uhhh Actually, we might need to go.
You have that homework assignment to do, right, Oliver? No.
I'm good.
Let's do this.
I should probably hold your hand in case you get scared.
And let's just have fun with it.
You know, we can pretend we're really scared and scream our heads off, maybe cry a little.
And if we wet our pants, that's okay, too.
MAN: Okay, carvers, in 3, 2, 1.
- Tools down! - [Air horn blows.]
Let's see.
Whoa! Ablin! Nice! I didn't know you liked to rock 'n' roll all night.
I don't follow.
Oh.
Wow.
Chucky.
And here's mine.
It's a retro nod to Halloween of yore.
It's an embarrassment to squash carvers everywhere.
Yeah, this is why there should be qualifying rounds.
I know! They just let anyone in.
It's disrespectful to people like us who train for years.
I personally studied at the Sleepy Hollow Institute of Spooks and Frights.
That's not real.
Prove it.
You really deserve to win.
You outdid yourself this year.
Thank you.
But you have an incredibly steady hand.
I take beta blockers.
Aww.
Can I help you find that fingernail? I'd like that.
We should give them some privacy.
The judges haven't announced the winner yet.
I think you're safe to go.
Hey.
I just wanted to let you know I'm home.
How was Ugh, never mind.
No questions.
Thanks for being home by curfew.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Just a long night.
Can I lie here for a minute? Of course.
[Whispering.]
Get out! Get out! Me? No, not you.
You stay here forever.
[Growls.]
We hope you have a haunted Halloween [Camera shutter clicking.]
Shadows grow and come alive - Children run as spirits fly - [Roars.]
We hope you have a haunted Halloween We hope you have a haunted Halloween - [Growling.]
- We hope you have a haunted Halloween We hope you have A haunted Halloween